Today was a hard day amidst an even harder week.
There are days that autism is easy and fun. Well not fun, but the methods seem to work that the therapists suggest and everything seems all rainbows and sunshine.
But this is one of those days and weeks and cycles that nothing is working. There's lot of anger and harsh words being hurled at us (and seriously I just had a soccer ball thrown down the stairs at me, oh dear).
And I have to hunker down and use every ounce of strength I have to not lash back at him. To turn the other cheek. To pick up the spilled cheerios off the floor. To not scream or yell or cry.
At the end of the day I am exhausted. Because holding it together is so much more draining and harder than anything else.
So this afternoon I took a bath. Cal was playing Legos and for a few moments I was able to try to relax my knotted up shoulders under the water.
While I was doing this I was thinking about this blog...
I've had lots of people ask me why I share so much.
Why do I write about people being mean to my son?
Why do I write about the struggles of homeschooling?
Why do I put it in writing about someone hating me?
Why do I type out all of the Autism challenges?
And here's why...
It's not my story.
It feels like God has brought me through all of these things and given me a gift of writing for a reason.
My purpose is to tell you if God brings you to it He will bring you through it. He's there with you always. I guess you could say that my writing is my testimony. I want people who aren't believers to know "you know what? I really want to be mean right back to someone. But I won't. I struggle and it's hard and sure sometimes I am mean back but the struggle is real and with God I am trying to do what He wants me to do." I want the Momma's locked in the bathroom crying to pull me up on their phone and read and think "Autism sucks and is mean and is a vortex of awfulness sometimes but God has a plan and He's got this. I can do this."
Nick and I have said through all of our struggles that if we can use them to help someone else, to lead them to the cross, it's all been worth it.
What hope we have in our lives friends that it is all worth it. All of it.
And so I just wanted you to know, that is why I write to you. It's all worth it. God knows you are worth it. Just hang in there. God's got this.
Love you all, my sweet friends.